i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
