I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
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he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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