Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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