I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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