if i can run in heels then i can drive
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Randomize
