dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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