Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Randomize
