I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
