I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
