What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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