Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
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