can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
