i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
