you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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