Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
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