what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
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