Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
