:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
