I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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