the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm like, not good at living.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
