Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
