Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
