my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
