Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I think we might need a safe word for this...
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
