Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
