Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
