2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
