Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
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I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
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Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?