dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.