They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
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