I faked an abortion last night.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
