So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
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