I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I currently don't understand fingers.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
