Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
