Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
