Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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