I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
