I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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