i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
