Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
