what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
God, I missed his penis.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
