This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
