I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize