how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
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