it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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