If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
