When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
