Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
My dick has a subreddit
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
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