9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
