We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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