I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
