dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
