I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
