when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I don't deserve a penis
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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