I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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