Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
