I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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