His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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