Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
These tits shall not be calmed
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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