Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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