i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
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I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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