the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
