Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
