The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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